i feel weird..
has it really been that long? its like every time me and franco get back together, i miss out on writing out the good things.
but today is different. i feel differently just about myself and no one else.
strangely i felt really depressed today. it could be the weather, but that effect really bothers me. like it doesn't seem like a sound conclusion.
i hate how the computer fan is louder than my music.
IRRITATED. so that's how i'm feeling.. and why is that? i just don't understand...
i feel so alone. so different. so inferior. that inferiority must be bothering me. to the point where i want to cry. its a distant but familiar feeling.
i almost feel a little broken. my knees are shot. my feet feel gooey. my hearts a little lost. and i'm not sure of how i feel anymore.
to be honest, i just don't know if i feel love either. not that i don't love franco. he means alot to me. but why is it that i feel like i cannot give that.. because i don't love myself?
it could be the case. but i would never love myself if all i am is going to be alone.
the lonely road is the only road i've ever had to take and it was brutal. i don't feel at all accomplished or happy. just tired.
my heart isn't open this time around. i'm not sure why. but i feel you roxas. you minded your own and didn't want to get involved. and now that you have, you found meaning in your life. you found friends.
why is it.. that i feel like i have no true friend? i know i have franco, but he's still so far away, and it feels like we have separate lives. like i'm not completely his. and he's not completely mine?
i feel very confused. why should my emotions be this way? when i know that i've done nothing wrong. or even less, nothing at all.
why is it that i don't feel like i fit in francos life anymore? neither do i feel the same happy way i was so long ago. like somehow, that part of me has been long gone and all that confidence was broken. i still feel so broken. cause i will always remember what broke me. and to think about it now, i think it still hurts me. but because i have never really felt direct pain before, i never knew how to deal with it, so it lingers in my irritation.
i still feel so very alone.. and i wonder why.
oh, i also had my first day of work today, but when i left i felt so sad... and somehow i almost didn't really want to work there anymore. it just didn't seem to fit me anymore.
i feel like my life has been led differently than i wanted it to. i wanted to be happy, and loving life, and in a better university, loving myself, and knowing what i want to do with my life. at least exploring it.
and instead, i'm stuck at home. stuck going to community college. stuck with a shitty job with having to smile for other people and be inferior.
i feel like i'm in that lonely shell again i was in high school. empty and ignoring other people.
Current Music: Silversun Pickups - All the go Inbetweens